All because of a little cheese.....

My Dearest Nathaniel,
I need to write this letter to explain something to you, and I very much hope that you read it someday. You might not remember the things that I'm talking about by then--but you might; I know that I will. You are the Big Brother to an adorable little dude. Levi is an amazing little guy who is learning so very many things right now--and he's too stinkin' cute while he does it! It is often that I'll smile and clap for him, cheer him on, or tell Daddy to watch him. He is learning, growing, and way too cute for his own good--and we are incredibly proud of him! You, like any big brother are very often jealous.
Nate, I want you to hear this loud and clear: WE ARE SO VERY, VERY PROUD OF YOU! You are an amazing and incredible boy! You are talented and sweet and adorable, and you have surprised me with your accomplishments more times than I can count. There is no person, thing, or accomplishment in this world for which I am more proud than of you and your brother. Truly. I think that you know that, but it's hard to remember sometimes when it's the baby who's getting the praise. And, who could blame you? You're only three years old! I'm sorry that you feel left out sometimes, and I will try harder to point out more of your own accomplishments.
Nate, there is one thing in particular for which I am constantly amazed by, and I am truly so proud of you for. It is your obvious love and adoration for your baby brother. Oh sure, there's some brotherly bickering thrown in for variety, but the two of you are really an inseparable pair.
Even at this early age, I see you filling your "Big Brother" role around the house by looking out for Levi, helping him along, and always including him in your requests. Always, always you include your "Yiyi".
"Mommy, me and Yiyi have a snack, please?"
"Me and Yiyi watch a movie?"
"Me and Yiyi go play outside?"
"Me and Yiyi.....?"
The questions are endless, but they're always requests for "me and Yiyi". My heart melts when I hear you request a treat for your little brother who likely wouldn't even notice if he was left out sometimes. I've tried to remember when you started this, but I can't. There was never a time when I had to prod you to include your brother; he's just always been a part of your life, and you don't leave him out. You are amazing!
Today, while I was making quesadillas for lunch, you asked me for a slice of cheese. As always, you asked for a piece each for you and Yiyi. Like I often do, I sliced two chunks of cheese off, and handed them to you. Normally, I try to make the pieces of cheese exactly the same size (for obvious reasons); today, I wasn't paying much attention, and they were not even. Like, not even close to being even. Not a big deal, I thought, Levi will never know that his slice is smaller. Right? I watched you hurry over to your brother, then pause and look at the two pieces of cheese. You hesitated for just the slightest moment, and I knew that you saw the difference. And then, you gave that bigger piece of cheese to Yiyi Baby.
Oh Nate, I could have cried right there, I was so proud of you! What a generous and kind thing to do for your brother! You might be thinking now, "Okay, Mom, it was just a little bit of cheese....so what?" It was so much more than cheese, my dearest, it was an act of selflessness for your little brother--one that you didn't think anyone would ever even know about. (You never mentioned it to me at all!) For a three-year-old, it was a BIG DEAL. And, I am so very, very proud of you!
Nathaniel, I might not clap every time you finish a bowl of oatmeal, and I might not snap photos of you every time you walk around with a blanket on your head....but that doesn't in a million years mean that I'm not so proud of you that I could bust! It simply means that you are older, and your accomplishments are more mature and grown up. You are an incredibly kind and sweet little boy. I love you! Your love for your brother only makes me love you more, and I pray that you both remain as close as you are right now for always.
I love you to the moon and back,
MomMom

Letter to my Second Baby.

My Dearest Levi,
I want to take a moment now and let you know how much you are loved--and, Honey, it is so much! There are times that I wonder if worry about how you might feel left out in the future because you are Child #2. You are the youngest--and, someday, you might even be the Middle Child. I don't know what it's like to be a second child, and nor does your daddy. (If you want someone who understands, I know a few uncles and aunts who have some experience in that area!) But, no matter what the stereotype, you are very special to me. Being a mom to two kids is a little more challenging and a lot more busy--but I would never, ever trade either of you for the world! I'm sorry that I don't keep your baby book updated (or even this blog!) or spend as much one-on-one time with you as I'd like. Caring for two kids keeps me busy (in a good way!), and I'll even go as far as to say that I was bored very often when Nate was my only child (even though I didn't know it then!).
You, my darling second child, are the most amazing little fellow! You are sweet and easy-going, not to mention so stinkin' adorable that I can hardly stand it! Your big personality is shining already, and I can't help but smile every time I see you (even when I'm plucking pieces of dog food from your mouth!). Your chubby little thighs and your six perfect little teeth make me swoon. You are the happiest baby--constantly smiling, and your big belly laugh is the best sound in the world. You absolutely adore your big brother--which only makes me love you both more!
As a mom to two young children, it seems that I am constantly feeling as though I've abandoned one of you in favor of the other. That's simply not true; it just feels like it. Since you're both of the ages that you needs lots and lots of attention and time, I am constantly on my toes while caring for you. And, I'll admit that I love it! I love you both, and I love being your momma! You, my boys, are the hardest job that I've ever encountered, but also, by far, the most rewarding. I hope that you never feel that I (or your Daddy) favor one of you over the other, but rather know how incredibly much we love both of you. That being said, yes, your big brother is older, and I'm sure that there will be lots of times that he is allowed to do something that you're not. Unfair? Maybe, but he's got 103 weeks on you, my little one!
I love to the moon and back, my precious Levi!

XOXOXOXOXOX,
Momma

PS-If you're feeling like I'm not paying enough attention to you, it's not really necessary to eat a wilted cactus flower that you may find on the floor. Sure, you'll get my attention--and, it will even warrant my very first call to Poison Control! But, again, it's not really necessary for my attention. Your high pitched shrieking will do just fine in the future when you need me. Please? And, thank you!

Letter to my Two-Year-Old.

My Dearest Nate,
I want to apologize for the way that I've been treating you recently. I've been frustrated and grumpy with you, and in turn, you've been acting out more than normal. I suppose there's a certain amount of "normal" to your behavior these days (After all, you are two!), but it's not something that I'm accustomed to seeing. You've been pushing the limits of practically every rule that you can think of, and it is wearing on me. I'm sorry that I've been yelling at you so much, and I promise to try harder to get through to you in a normal tone. I am sorry for my attitude.....but I'm not sorry for disciplining you. Sweetheart, I know that you don't understand it now, but it is my job to teach you to be obedient. When God gave you to me and Daddy as our little boy, he gave us the very important job of teaching you right and wrong. And, as ridiculous as it sounds, a spank on your tush really does hurt me more than it hurts you. It hurts my heart to see you doing wrong, and it is my job to discipline you. I love you very, very much, and I want you to know the difference between right and wrong. And, as your parent, that means that you will be punished for doing wrong. You are a sweet boy, and you are a good boy. I am proud of you, and I know that you do many more "right" things than "wrong" every day. You are precious to me, and that is why I will continue to scold and use the "time out" chair whenever it is necessary.
I'm sorry for being such a grouch, and I'm sorry that you're not getting as much Mommy Time as you'd like. I'm sorry that your brother takes so much attention away from you, and I'm sorry that you feel the need to act out against him sometimes. All that being said, I do not regret for even a tiny second giving you a sibling. We knew that bringing Baby #2 into your life when you were this young would have both advantages and disadvantages. This jealousy is a disadvantage. But, the love and the adoration that you both so blatantly have for one another is an advantage that far outweighs any jealousy.
Nate, you are a super kid! You are smart and funny and energetic and sweet. You are more awesome than I could have ever dreamed, and I love you far beyond my wildest dreams. I truly am sorry for being a grouchy mommy, and I want you to know that I am certainly not perfect. I can promise you that I will do my very best to be the best momma than I can be to both you and Levi. You guys are the greatest, and I love you to infinity and beyond!

XOXOXOXOX,
Momma

PS. It's after 10:30pm; why are you awake?? I'm fairly certain that you were asleep (or you were strangely quiet for a long time!), and now you're up again. PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!

Challenge accepted?

Dear Nate,
When I wrote this letter to you two weeks ago, I stated that "I have yet to encounter 'the terrible twos' with you." That wasn't a challenge. Really. Your brother has a right to play on the living room floor without being knocked down or pelted with cars. And, occasionally, I really would like to speak with your daddy without you yelling at us during the conversation. Even the dog has a right to nap without you pulling on his toes. I know you hate the "time-out" chair, but your tush seems to be getting well acquainted with it this week. Please go back to being an abnormally well-behaved 2-year-old this weekend. Thank you.

Love, Mommy

PS- And, since when did you learn to read? That blog was for you to read in a few years...you know, when you absolutely positively wouldn't consider the aforementioned sentence a personal challenge.

letter to my oldest boy...

My Darling Nathaniel,
There are so many reasons that I want to write this letter to you. I want you to know how very, very much your daddy and I love you. I want you to know what a great little boy and an awesome big brother you are. I want to remember everything about you right now. And, I want you to know how much I wish I could squeeze you and hold on to this time forever.
You are almost two-and-a-half, and I love everything about you. You're quick and curious and adorable. You're silly and smart and noisy. You have a huge imagination, and a quick little temper. You love to hide, and your favorite drink is vanilla almond milk. You don't like rice or chocolate milk. You are shy around strangers, and you like to play with your little friends at church. You are learning to pray. Your favorite character is Clifford The Big Red Dog, and we read Clifford books daily. Sometimes, you're allowed to watch Clifford on television, and you love it. You like to help me in the kitchen, and you always want to play outside. You love to play "vroom-vrooms" with your uncles, and you like to color. You have a kitty named Green Beans and a dog named Grover, both of whom you love. It is your chore to feed the animals, and you take it very seriously--you want to refill their bowls multiple times daily! You made up a funny song about arms. You ask me every day if you'll get to see your Nana, Babump, Oiiay, or Maaa (Nana, Grandpa, Tim, or Matt). Your favorite thing is to be tickled! Sometimes, you run into the kitchen while I'm cooking to squeeze my legs and say, "I wuv you!" It makes my heart melt into a puddle every. single. time. You laugh all the time--even when you don't know what the joke is! You make your daddy do silly crazy things that he never would have done before you (like dancing through the grocery store singing "beast food!"). You say adorable things like "gall gone!" and "iesh" (ice), boff (both) and "uh-uh" and "banamana" (banana). When you wake up in the morning, you sit in your bed and yell, "Mommam, up 'ight 'ow, peeese!" ("Momma, up right now, please!")
You adore your baby brother, your little "Yiyi Baby". You're always gentle with him, although sometimes you're jealous--and rightfully so! (You had both your daddy and me all to yourself for 2 whole years, and then we suddenly introduced this little fellow who needs attention 24/7 into our family!) You're an awesome big brother, and I'm sorry that I'm not able to give you my 100% all the time now. Babies need lots of attention and time, and I promise that Levi will not always be this needy. You want to know a cool thing about mommies? I can give you more than half of my attention AND give Levi more than half of my attention--simultaneously! You might not be getting 100% these days, but I promise that you're each getting at least 85% most of the time. (Often times, it's even more than that!) I love you both equally, and I don't want you to ever forget that. You and Levi are both awesome little boys who are more loved than you'll ever know!
My sweet little Nathaniel, I love this stage of your life so much. You're growing up so quickly (Wasn't it just yesterday that you learned to crawl?), and I wish I could slow you down. There are so many stages of your life so far that I've deemed my "favorite"....but this time, well, I really think this is it. I adore you as a two-year-old. You're old enough to talk and play and reason, but you're still such a baby in so many ways (I know, I know, you're a BIG BOY!). I'll admit that I'm excited to see you learn and grow, but I wish that I could just hide away a day or two of your toddlerhood for later because I know that I will miss this stage terribly someday. I have yet to encounter "the terrible twos" with you. You are so innocent and open with your emotions. You are so willing and loving. You are so you. You are perfect, and I love you so much, Sweetheart. I am so proud of the little boy who you are, and I'm proud of the person who you will be. You go ahead and grow up, my sweet boy, but please take your time doing it!

I love you forever and always,
always and forever,
no matter what.

XOXOXOXO,
Momma

letter.

My Darling Levi,
I've debated about whether or not I should write this post because I'm afraid that you'll find it someday and think that I didn't love you like I should. And, that's not the way it is at all--I love you so very, very much, my precious baby. I've decided to go ahead and write this as a letter to you. This is for you to read someday, perhaps when you have a baby of your own?
Over the past few months, I have felt drained, exhausted, hopeless, and angry about your sleeping habits (or lack thereof). I haven't always been patient or gentle or loving toward you, and I'm not proud of that. You cry a lot, and it's not easy to console you. We've spent the last two months listening to you cry for hours almost every night, and nothing that your Daddy or I do makes you stop. Some nights, you scream until your little body is so exhausted that you sleep because you simply can't do anything else. Some nights, you want nothing to do with us, and you put yourself to sleep. Some nights, you eventually let us comfort you. And, recently, we've had some nights that you allow me to rock you to sleep--with only a little fussing and no screaming at all!
I hate to hear/see you crying, and it breaks my heart when we don't know how to help you. I'm tired, I'm confused, and I want to help. You're easily over-stimulated, and I fear that we cause your nightly crying sometimes by simply leaving the house during the day. I'm sorry, sweetheart, but we truly cannot stay home all the time. If I could, I would do anything to make you feel better.
You're a difficult baby...and I wasn't ready for you. But, I am getting better--and we will both be better for it. I truly feel that I'm a better mom now because I've had a baby who isn't always ready and willing to do whatever I want. I've prayed that this period would pass quickly, and I believe that it is. Maybe even a little too quickly? You're not a champion sleeper [yet!], nor am I the perfect mother. But, we are all learning how to handle each other, and we will find our own perfect.
Last night, you slept 6 hours straight! That was the longest stretch that either of us has slept since before you were born. Thank you for the sleep (keep up the good work!), and thank you for being you. I love you so very much, my sweet little boy.
Love, Mommy

Mommy of a Two-Year-Old.

My Darling Nathaniel,
You are two years old today. I cannot believe how quickly you are growing up! It seems like just yesterday that you were turning one, and now you've already blown out two candles on another birthday cake. Only just a week ago, you began a new role in your life: big brother. While I was pregnant, a friend warned me that you would seem to grow a foot and age a year while I had the baby. And, you did--sort of. Holding little Levi in my arms makes me notice just how big and grown up you physically are, but it wasn't until today that I watched you and realized that you have changed in another way. You are older, and you're acting like a big boy now, not a little one-year-old.
We went to the zoo this morning as a special birthday treat. We hadn't been there for probably a month beforehand, and you were so different today. You didn't hesitate or wait for Daddy and me to take you by the hand to see the animals. You ran ahead to see what was next, and you couldn't wait to ride the train! You are still so young, but you're not a baby any longer. You're getting more and more independent every day, and I love watching you grow.
You're asleep right now in your very own bed, in your big boy room. Every night, I go into your bedroom while you're sleeping and tuck you in before I go to bed. And, almost every night, I hold back a few tears and resist the urge to crawl into your bed and snuggle you. As much as I wanted you to move into your own bed and out of ours (which you did without any fight whatsoever), I miss you.
Your new independence is a wonderful thing, but it makes me wistful for your babyhood. I know that you still need me, and I'm going to cherish these days of having you as a two-year-old. Someday, you won't be so generous with your kisses or so proud of me that you proclaim that I'm your momma to every stranger who glances at you in the store. Someday, your boo-boos won't be fixed by my kisses, and someday your bedroom won't be close enough for me to peek into. But, for now, someday is a long time away. I'm the mommy of a two-year-old, and I couldn't be more proud of you!
I love you forever and always, my sweet boy,
Mommy

Tomorrow.

My Darling Nathaniel,
One year ago, your daddy and I were at the hospital, eagerly awaiting your arrival. We were so excited that we would finally get to meet our precious baby boy, but we were also a teensy bit nervous about whether or not we would be any good as parents. And then, on Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 6:03 PM, you were born. Baby, my most vivid memory is of the very first time that I saw you. You were so beautiful, and the only words that I could choke out were, "He's perfect..."
I remember the very first time that I held you; amid the bustle of people in the delivery room, I felt like you and I were the only ones in the universe.
I remember the first time that I kissed you and told you that I loved you. It made me feel funny inside to do such a "motherly" thing, but it felt right. And now, I can't go an hour without kissing your darling cheeks!
I remember the first time that I nursed you. I was so proud of you, and I wondered how long we would last. Now, I'm so proud that we've been at it for an entire year, and you've grown so strong on your momma's milk.
I remember cuddling your tiny body against me and listening to your breath become steady as you slept. I was amazed that I had such a calming effect on you, and I love that I still do. Cuddling with you at night has been one of my favorite things about this past year.
I remember being so exhausted that I couldn't even think straight because you woke up every 2 hours all night, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world.
I remember the first time that you smiled at me. I was so surprised that I cried! And, ever since, I've craved your sweet smile--your smiles and your laughs make me so happy.
I remember the very first word that you said. You said momma, and I was over the moon--and still am every time I hear your little voice call for me.
I remember so very many firsts and milestones that you've reached during the past year. You are so determined and smart, and I am continually impressed by you. Never lose that, Darling; you will go far in life.

My precious baby, you will be one year old tomorrow. I can hardly believe that we've had you for an entire year, yet it feels as though you've always been here. You are an amazing and incredible little boy, and I honored to be your mommy. I cherish each moment that we spend together,and I am so looking forward to watching you grow and learn even more than you already have. I am so very proud of you, and I always will be. I love you forever and always!

XOXOXOXOX,
Mommy

sleep.

Dear Nathaniel,
I love you so much, my darling! And, I know that when you're a big boy, you won't remember today. But I might...and, that is why I'm writing this to you. You've been having lots of trouble falling asleep for your naps recently, and you've been waking up several times at night. You're getting overly sleepy and grumpy--and so am I. I've been frustrated that our usual nap techniques aren't working anymore, and I'm going crazy trying to figure how to get you to nap! I've been more irritated about a silly morning nap than anyone should be, and I want you to know that I'm sorry. I know that you're getting older, and I know that your sleeping habits are changing. I only want the best for you, my precious son, and I don't want to spend any of our time together being a grouch!
I know that you're curious and growing, but, Baby, sleep really is important! If you're not tired, it's okay to stay awake...but when you're sleepy, I want you to rest. Sleep will help you to grow so strong and big and smart! This may seem like a silly time to write this to you because you slept so well last night, and you're taking a super duper nap right now! But, while we're working on sleep transitioning and changes in schedules, I'm sure that we'll have more sleepless nights and afternoons. No matter how frustrating it might be, I will try harder not to let you see me get grumpy. I love you, Darling.
I know that you're new to this 7 month wakeful period...and so am I. I am doing what I can to learn everything there is to learn about babies and sleep patterns, but you're more important. I'm reading a book with lots of good ideas (some of which are already helping us--maybe me, more so than you!), and I will be paying close attention to your cues and needs. I will try to use what I can from the book, but it's really all about you and your needs, my precious baby.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for getting frustrated and harsher than I should have been with you recently. When you wake up, I'll tell you that I'm sorry--and you're going to get so many cuddles and kisses! You are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me, and I love you more than life itself. You are perfect. Even when I plopped you into your swing and told you to "Just go to sleep already!", you smiled up at me with that adorable grin. Oh, you can melt my heart even when I feel like it's frozen over! And then, you simply went to sleep on your own (something that you never do!), and stayed asleep for almost 2+ hours so far....I feel like you knew that I was mad and wanted to be a good boy. Oh, Baby, you are such a good boy--always, no matter if you're sleeping or not! I'm kicking myself for being such a grouch....and now, dare I admit, I'm getting antsy waiting for you to wake up! {I can't wait to cuddle you up and kiss those cheeks!} Sleep well, Darling....

I love you to the moon and the stars, Precious Boy!

XOXOXOXOXOX, Mommy