letter.

My Darling Levi,
I've debated about whether or not I should write this post because I'm afraid that you'll find it someday and think that I didn't love you like I should. And, that's not the way it is at all--I love you so very, very much, my precious baby. I've decided to go ahead and write this as a letter to you. This is for you to read someday, perhaps when you have a baby of your own?
Over the past few months, I have felt drained, exhausted, hopeless, and angry about your sleeping habits (or lack thereof). I haven't always been patient or gentle or loving toward you, and I'm not proud of that. You cry a lot, and it's not easy to console you. We've spent the last two months listening to you cry for hours almost every night, and nothing that your Daddy or I do makes you stop. Some nights, you scream until your little body is so exhausted that you sleep because you simply can't do anything else. Some nights, you want nothing to do with us, and you put yourself to sleep. Some nights, you eventually let us comfort you. And, recently, we've had some nights that you allow me to rock you to sleep--with only a little fussing and no screaming at all!
I hate to hear/see you crying, and it breaks my heart when we don't know how to help you. I'm tired, I'm confused, and I want to help. You're easily over-stimulated, and I fear that we cause your nightly crying sometimes by simply leaving the house during the day. I'm sorry, sweetheart, but we truly cannot stay home all the time. If I could, I would do anything to make you feel better.
You're a difficult baby...and I wasn't ready for you. But, I am getting better--and we will both be better for it. I truly feel that I'm a better mom now because I've had a baby who isn't always ready and willing to do whatever I want. I've prayed that this period would pass quickly, and I believe that it is. Maybe even a little too quickly? You're not a champion sleeper [yet!], nor am I the perfect mother. But, we are all learning how to handle each other, and we will find our own perfect.
Last night, you slept 6 hours straight! That was the longest stretch that either of us has slept since before you were born. Thank you for the sleep (keep up the good work!), and thank you for being you. I love you so very much, my sweet little boy.
Love, Mommy