"Oh, he's still in our room..." I answered vaguely.
"Yes, but where in your room? Is he still in a bassinet?"
"He sleeps in our bed with us." There was a long pause, then I was thrown this little gem,
"Oh well.....that's okay; you'll make all of your mistakes with your first baby, and then you won't do the same with your second."
"Excuse me? I am not making a mistake by letting my baby sleep where we all sleep best! I am not accidently sleeping with him either. I know what we're doing, and this is what works best for our family. Please mind your own business, and do not ever tell me that I'm making a mistake in parenting my child again! I didn't tell you how to raise your babies, and I'd appreciate it if you don't judge me!" is what I THOUGHT a few hours later. At the time, I just stared and might have mumbled an okay while pretending to be perfectly happy to be insulted while she played with my son.
The more that I've thought about the above conversation, the more that I think that she was not trying to be mean or rude. Judgemental? Perhaps, but I actually think that it was a sincere, albeit not so polite, comment about parenting. She's had four babies, so I guess she knows what she's talking about. Right? Mommy judgement....we've all got it. Even more than a mother trait, I think it's a female trait.
Before Nathaniel was born, I thought I knew it all! I knew about babies and parenting and methodology. I knew soothing techniques, outdoor games, and fine motor activities. I knew what toys were fun, what diapers leaked, and what flavors of baby food smelled especially funky. I had a whole list of things that I would never do with my baby! (And, I judged those parents who did...)
I had worked with babies and children since I was a child myself, so what else was there to learn? I knew parents that I would strive to model my own parenting skills after, and I knew parents to which I could never relate a thing. I worked full-time at a daycare for two years. I spent two summers working as a daycamp counselor. I taught school for 9 months. I spent an entire summer as a nanny to two wild girls. I've volunteered in the church nursery, preschool classes, and school-age groups since I graduated into the youth group. I knew about kids, and I knew about parents. And, I judged those parents like it was my job!
I knew exactly how I wanted to raise my son; I figured that I had enough experience to be nearly perfect. I planned to breastfeed, cloth diaper, and make all of my own baby food. I planned to read him stories every day, and give him only educational toys. I planned to instill a deep set of values in him, and raise the most well-behaved child in town. As as stay at home mom, I would keep up on the laundry, keep my house spotless, and have a hot dinner on the table when my husband walked in the door each evening. I would never, ever co-sleep with my baby, I wouldn't freak out about germs, and I would teach my baby to sleep through the night (even if that meant using the CIO method). My baby would be smart and reach every milestone early. I planned to be the perfect mother.
And then, I had my baby. And, you know what? I am the perfect mother for him. I do solely breastfeed, I do cloth diaper, and I do make {almost} all of my own baby food. I read him stories every day. I give him only educational toys....but then he also got some noisy, blinky, battery operated ones from other people for Christmas. {I bit my tongue and never bought batteries.} As far as my house, well....before Nate was born, I was told by a fellow mom that I'd be lucky to get my teeth brushed and a shower on some days. At the time, I laughed...but she was right! I barely get my teeth brushed some mornings, let alone the laundry folded and the rugs vacuumed!
When it comes to sleeping habits, we co-sleep every single night. Nathaniel has yet to ever sleep in his crib. (Oh, I would have judged us 8 months ago...!) I still freak out about germs; I'm the mom using a cart cover in Target, wiping off the high chair with sani-wipes, and giving anyone who dares to reach a finger near my baby's face the side eye. My baby doesn't sleep straight through the night, and I wouldn't dream of letting him cry it out. I rock him to sleep for naps, I nurse him when he wakes at night, and I pick him up whenever he fusses. I have turned into that mom...you know, the one that I would have flamed away before I had my own son.
As a mother, I have learned a few things, one of the most important is to never say, "I would never do that with my child...." For the most part, I am parenting my baby in the manner that I planned...but not totally. I do things differently because that is what works for us. I have done lots of research and reading about parenting styles and theories. But, my most important resource is my son. I do what is right for us, what he likes/needs, and then I look to the books to back up my decisions. Every child is different; every parent is different. I have a feeling that the way that I'm raising Nathaniel will not be identical to the way that Baby #2 is raised. (No, this is not some long, drawn out pregnancy announcement; I'm talking about a theoretical, future baby #2...)
Just like I never dreamed the strength of the bond that I feel between myself and my son, I never knew the true feelings of a parent. I knew that I'd love him, and I knew that I'd get tired and frustrated sometimes. But, oh, the love that I pour into this little one is absolutely indescribable! And, so is the frustration of a sleep-deprived mother when her 1-month-old baby is screaming for seemingly no reason. Just like those frustrations fade away (to be replaced with new challenges), the love of a mother grows stronger each and every day.
No matter what other people think (or say!), I am a perfect mother for my little man. We are happy together, and he is thriving. All parents are different, and, although it's tough, I think that we all need to focus a little more on our own parenting, and a little less of everyone else's. Judging? Well, that's not my job, so I'll try to just ignore what I don't like. If it works for that parent, who am I to argue? You never know, that might be me next time around...
While discussing the vast differences between pediatricion recommendations for our babies, my grandma laughed and said, "Well, no matter what you do, they all seem to grow up!" And, she's right. I can parent my way, and you can parent your way...and we're both going to raise cool kids!
So if you're not a fan of my parenting style, that's fine. I will defend my choices when asked, but I won't attack yours. (If a child is in danger, that's another story...) And, if you don't have babies yet, well, my only advice is to enjoy knowing it all now, because when you're a mommy, you won't be quite so sure!
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