Battle of the Bottle.

As I've mentioned before, Levi will not take a bottle right now. I never had this problem with Nathaniel, so this is new Mommy territory for me. Nate was given a few bottles of formula for supplement when he was born in the hospital, and therefore, bottles were never an issue. He took the Medela bottles because that's what I had in the house, and I never tried another brand. Levi has never had an ounce of formula in his life--a great source of pride to me! But, since he nurses so often still (usually every two or three hours), it limits how far away from him I can get. Obviously, I'm home with him most of the time. On Sundays, we go to church, and I nurse him between Sunday School and the service. When we go shopping, I nurse him in the car. When we go to someone's house, I nurse him under a cover or in a spare room. None of those things are a big deal to me; breastfeeding is a lot easier than carting around and preparing bottles.
But, nursing all the time also means that nobody else can feed Levi. Ever. And, as much as I love and adore my boys, I'd love a little break! A date night with my husband would be awesome! Or, as is the case this weekend, a special baby-free night out with our oldest would be fun! Levi has taken the Medela bottles twice in his lifetime, but we've had no luck recently. And, I can't blame him--expressed milk isn't the right temperature, sucking a bottle isn't nursing, and a silicone nipple certainly isn't Mommy.
After asking for recommendations from friends, I learned that what I've feared isn't abnormal. Lots of babies don't take bottles. Ever. But, we will try a few more times before I give up! I bought a Tommee Tippee Closer To Nature bottle to try (although we haven't had a chance to do so yet). If that doesn't work, I'll probably try the Breastflow bottle by The First Years or an Adiri bottle. Both the Breastflow and Adiri got great reviews from friends, but weren't available in local stores. Since I'd like to find something acceptable before this weekend, ordering from online wasn't really an option for now. I don't want to spend a fortune on bottles just to try a few varieties--especially when I do plan to continue nursing primarily.
Whether we find a bottle that Levi will accept or not, I'm not going to stress about it. I'll leave expressed milk for him while we're gone, and I'll return within three hours (just in case!). My little chunky monkey won't starve, and we'll both enjoy our evening.

Weaned.

I think that I can safely say that Nathaniel is completely weaned now. As much as I didn't want our nursing relationship to be over, I am glad that is ended in the way that it did.
I had originally planned to nurse for one year. And, when we hit that goal, I was very proud. I wasn't sure that I wanted to stop, and I decided that, for now, I would let Nate decide when he was ready to be finished. When I got pregnant, I did a bit of research on the topic of breastfeeding while pregnant. I read that it is generally safe to nurse an older child while pregnant, as long as the pregnancy is progressing normally. I also read that many children will wean themselves because of milky supply drops, as well as changes in the taste of the milk. Since I'd already exceeded my goal of one year and have no interest in tandem nursing, I decided to stick it out until Nate was 18 months old, then work on weaning (at 14 weeks pregnant).
We've been down to one nursing session/day (at bedtime) for about 2 months now. To my surprise, on Monday night, for the first time ever, Nate didn't seem to have any interest in nursing. On Tuesday, the same thing. On Wednesday, I realized that it was over. He had weaned himself.
I'll admit that I shed a few tears, but I really am happy. I wish that I had known that our last nursing session would be our last, but it's probably best that I didn't because I might have cried the whole time! I could not possibly be happier that he decided this on his own because I was dreading the night that I would have to refuse him. It's been a wonderful year and a half, and I wouldn't trade that nursing relationship for anything! It lasted a lot longer than I'd hoped, and, despite a few bumps in the road, it was far easier than I'd imagined. I think the reason that I'm sad is because nursing was Nate's one last "baby thing" that was left. I don't miss the inconvinience of finding a place to feed my baby in public, and I don't miss multiple night wakings--but I will miss all the extra snuggles and the comfort that it provided us both. I will miss nursing him, but I am so excited to see what is next on this journey of motherhood!

3:00 bliss.

Sometimes, I hear my baby stir at 3 am, and I struggle to open my eyes. We find each other in the dark, and I nurse him back to sleep, my own eyes closed and my head nodding.
Other times, I hear him wake, and I am instantly alert. I wake up and savor each moment. I love the way that he stirs and wiggles, and I am so completely attuned that I know in my sleep whether he is really awake or not--before he ever makes a peep.

I flick on the nightlight in my alarm clock, which provides just barely enough light for us to see one another. I sit up, pull his warm little body to mine, and we bond. He nurses, and I think about how perfect we are together. Our little family, snug in bed. I cherish the quiet peacefulness that settles over our home at night. I think, I pray, I dream, I love... There is such a contentment in our warm, quiet bedroom. I hear their steady, rhythmic breathing, and I am so blessed. My emotions are almost indescribable; I am overwhelmed with such love and peace, and I am absolutely confident that there is nothing better than this. I know that these night feedings will not last forever--they are already getting fewer. My baby will grow up, and he won't always fit perfectly into my arms. But, while he's tiny, I will enjoy every single second--especially the ones at 3 am!

I savor these brief moments, often holding my boy tight, long after he's finished eating. When I finally lay him down, I pull his blanket tighter and kiss his fuzzy head. He turns his face toward mine, and his body angles against me {no matter what position he starts in, he always gravitates toward me in his sleep}. I breathe in his sweet, milky breath, and I tell him that I love him, forever and always.
Pure bliss...

Good Mom?

     What exactly is it that makes a good mom?  Is it the mother who feeds her baby only homegrown, organic, pureed vegetables and fruits?  Is it the mother who teaches her little ones to be polite and respectful to everyone?  Is it the mother who stays at home and doles out hugs and kisses all day long?  Is it the mother who works long hours outside the home while her children are in daycare, just so that she can buy them enough food to fill their tummies?  Is it the mother who reads her baby a Bible story every night before bed?  Is it the mother who is just trying her best, even though she doesn't really know anything about this whole parenthood thing?
     Let's face it: nobody really know how to be a parent before the fact.  Good mommies and daddies are made by babies, not by parenting books or prenatal classes.  We're all doing the best we can to raise our babies in the best way that we know how....and we will make mistakes!  But, you know what?  As long as we learn from those mistakes, they're okay.  There is no single right way of parenting to ensure that children will grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted, well-rounded, happy adults.  (If there was, I bet that book could be on the bestseller list for a while, huh?)
     I suppose, to an extent, we will parent our children the way that our own parents raised us.  And, sometimes, for whatever reason, we will make sure to do the opposite.  We are all different; we all have different parenting styles, and that's okay because, hey, our kids are all different too!  They have some of the same, but also some different needs and wants from any other kids, past or present.  As good parents, it is our responsibility to find the wants and needs of our babies, then to decide the best solution and follow through.  Easy or hard?  How about some of both!
     I've been Nathaniel's mommy for a little while now--5 months and 2 days on the outside, and quite a bit longer when he was in my belly!  I'm no supermom; I get tired and cranky and frustrated sometimes.  But, always, I love my son, and I want to do what is best for him.  I'm a breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, cloth diapering, stay-at-home mommy.  I'm proud that I can say those things, and I love doing them all!  None of those decisions were made rashly or without a lot of research.  I believe that raising my son in this manner is what is best for him, and that's why we do it.  I understand that other moms who do things differently have raised wonderful kids, but this is what works for us.  I wish people did not feel the need to criticize or judge, but I suppose that's just our human nature.  And, although I don't really think that I need to defend my own parenting, I do want to share a little about why we do what we do around here.  I've also included a few links if you're interested in reading more about the subjects.

Breastfeeding/Delayed Introduction to Solids
     Before I got pregnant, I never really gave much thought to what I'd feed my baby.  When I got pregnant, I thought maybe I'd breastfeed for the convenience and to save a little money.  Then I started doing my research.  Did you know that breastfed babies get sick way less often than their formula-fed peers?  Honestly, that was enough to sell me.  {I worked in a daycare for 2 years, and watching a feverish, raspy baby cough himself awake is enough to break your heart!}  Even the formula companies have to admit {in teeny little print} that breastmilk is the best food for babies!  As far as the difficulty and inconvenience of breastfeeding?  Not so.  We've had no issues, and it's working out wonderfully; Nate loves it, I love it, AND we're getting all sorts of health benefits!
http://www.nursingmothers.org/html/why_breastfeed.html
     According to the American Center for Pediatrics (and a bunch of other organizations), it is best to wait until a baby is 6 months old to introduce any foods other than breastmilk or formula.  There are numerous health benefits, but I'll leave it up to you to read them because I don't feel like typing them all out.  The following link provides an extensive explanation.
http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/solids/delay-solids.html

Co-Sleeping
     Nathaniel sleeps in our bed with us at night.  Every single night.  On purpose!  Did you know that co-sleeping infants have a lower rate of SIDS?  That's the main reason why we started co-sleeping.  Maybe I'm a crazy, paranoid first-time mom, but I was absolutely scared out of my mind that my baby would stop breathing in his sleep when we brought him home from the hospital.  {I still find myself peeking over to watch his chest rise and fall while he naps.}  I also worried about the "You can't sleep with a baby because you'll roll over on him!" at first....until I did my research and found out that rolling onto a baby while sleeping is very rare, and usually only happens when one or both of the parents are until the influence of drugs or alcohol.  Our last reason for co-sleeping, which is a little selfish on my part, was that it's so much easier to breastfeed!  When Nate wakes up hungry in the night, I can get him and myself situated so that he can eat before he really, fully wakes up to cry.  Easy peasy!  Yes, yes, I know that transferring him to his own bed might be a challenge eventually....but that's why we'll wait until we're all ready.  I'm not worried about it now.  I promise you that he will not be sleeping in our bed when he's 15!
http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/co_slepping.html

Baby-wearing
     Before Nate was born, I never envisioned myself baby-wearing, at least not often--it just seemed so "hippyish"!  Then I had a baby.  And, that baby loved to be held.  All. the. time.  Even when he was sleeping!  I discovered the joys of wearing Nate in the Moby wrap, and I have never regretted it!  He doesn't sleep in the wrap so much anymore, but it's still a lifesaver when he's fussy and I need to get things done around the house--or go grocery shopping at Walmart!  Not only is baby wearing conveniant for the mother, but it has several benefits for baby too.  Check them out...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Babywearing#Benefits_of_babywearing

Cloth Diapering
     I've always liked the idea of cloth diapering--saving the environment is quite noble, right?  Well, after we received about 63 packages of disposable diapers at the baby shower, I quit worrying about diapers.  And, when Nate was born, he sure pooped an awful lot....and those disposables were awfully easy to use and toss.  Then, eventually, the poop caught up to the diapers.  We were down to the last few packages, and I started thinking about cloth again.  Although cloth diapers save us quite a bit of money now, they did require a small investment to begin with.  I wasn't sure about the brand or the type of cover to get (there are A LOT to choose from!), and then I couldn't find diaper pins for about two weeks!  We finally collected all of our supplies, and started our cloth diapering experimenting.  I don't regret a thing, and I would never switch back!  The laundry is not overwhelming at all (though it is best to hold your breath when dumping the load into the washer!), and, best of all, I feel better about using these!  Sure, we're producing about two bags of garbage LESS per week, but mostly, I'm happy about Nathaniel's bottom.  He has not had even a hint of diaper rash since we've started cloth diapering!  The more that I think about it, the more wary I am about the chemicals in disposable diapers; I am happy to avoid those touching my baby on a daily basis.  {We do, on occasion, use disposable diapers when we're going out for a long period of time, or when someone else will be watching Nate.}
http://pregnancy.about.com/od/thenursery/a/reasonscloth.htm

Stay-At-Home Mom
     This was an easy decision for us.  I've wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for as long as I can remember.  I believe that it is best for both mother and child to be together on a daily basis, and I do not believe that children were made to be raised in a large group childcare setting.  I've always said that working in a daycare taught me one thing: I will never, ever send my baby to a daycare.  I saw adults mistreat babies/children when their tempers ran out, and I saw children growing up 50 hours/week in daycare.  I know that there are some parents who have no choice but to work while their babies are in daycare, but I knew that it was not an option for me and my baby.
  Yes, I know that there are those who would say that by playing with my boy all day, or reading him 8 stories a day, or holding him all the time, or rocking him to sleep will spoil him.  But, I disagree; I don't think that an infant can be spoiled--they can only be taught that their needs will be met and that they are loved.  And, honestly, what if I do "spoil" my baby into wanting to be rocked everyday?  Well, that's okay with me.  That's why I'm a home, and my job is take care of him AND to make sure that he knows just how incredibly loved he truly is!

Thankful, day 4.

     I am thankful that I can nurse my baby.  Before Nathaniel was born, I planned to try to nurse him.  I read books about breastfeeding, and I learned that it's hard.  I learned that there are about a million problems that women encounter when attempting to nurse, and I learned that most women in the USA don't nurse for very long, if at all.  I also learned that nursing my baby is the best thing that I can do for him.  What could be better for a newborn baby than the milk from his mommy that is specially made for him?  Nothing.  Formula can nourish a baby, but it does not contain all of the antibodies and goodness of breast milk, and it definitely doesn't give the same bonding opportunities. 
     Before he was ever born, I decided that I would try to nurse my baby, but I wouldn't beat myself up if I failed.  That's what I decided.  Truth is, I would have beat myself up every day and felt guilty with every bottle, had I not been able to breastfeed.  Why?  That's just how I am, and I want the very best for my son--no matter what.
     Planning to nurse a baby and actually nursing a baby are two totally different things.  There is no way to learn ahead of time, and there really isn't much you can do to prepare yourself.  After I gave birth, I crossed my fingers that Nate would get a good latch, and we'd have an easy go of it right from the start.  No such luck.  I was clumsy and didn't know how to position myself or my baby, and he didn't know how to get food--especially when my milk hadn't come in yet!  To top things off, the doctor ordered formula supplementation to speed up Nate's jaundice loss.  I knew that I had read somewhere that when formula is supplemented, it is almost impossible to stop it because the baby is used to a bottle (easier to drink) and the mother's milk supply is therefore diminished.  I was upset, but didn't know what to do about it. 
     When we got home, I renewed my plans to exclusively nurse Nathaniel.  It was easy.  Seriously.  Once my milk came in (3-4 days after birth), I simply stopped giving the formula to him.  We learned to breastfeed together.  He gained weight like a champ, and my milk supply is perfect.  I am still exclusively nursing, he is still growing, and I couldn't be prouder!  I am so thankful that I can give my baby this precious gift, and I am thankful that it has worked out so perfectly--despite a few loops in the beginning. 

Disclaimer: I am not bashing baby formula, nor those who use it.  Nursing is what works best for us, and I know that everyone is different.  As long as a baby is well-fed and loved, that's what really matters!