Mama.

     Motherhood.  I've never wanted anything in my life more than I wanted to be a mommy.  I played with baby dolls constantly as a little girl; and when I grew out of dolls, I babysat every weekend!  I went to college and earned a degree, but when I thought about where I imagined myself in 5 or 10 years--it was as a mother, not as a bigwig career woman. 
     Eric and I talked about children before we were married; we knew that we both wanted kids, but we also knew that, realistically, we would have to wait a little while.  And, we did.  I hated waiting; I wanted a baby so badly.  So, I spent my time working in a daycare where I got to play with other peoples' babies all day.  Instead of quenching my baby fever, it only made it worse!  By the time that we finally got pregnant, I could not wait for my baby to be in my arms!  I truly loved being pregnant--but it does not even begin to compare to being a mama.

     After Nathaniel was born, the strangest thing happened: I realized that I did not know my baby.  Despite living in my belly for almost 9 months, he was a stranger.  I knew about other babies; in fact, I knew more about my primary care children from work than I did about my own son!  I felt like I knew how to take care of a baby, but I did not know how to be a mommy.  I held him and I kissed him, but I didn't feel like I was doing it right.  The first 24 hours of Nate's life was a blur of visitors and nurse checks.  Everyone else held my baby, and I felt like we couldn't quite connect.  Did he even know who I was?  When someone asked me if his toes were long like his fingers, I realized that I had never even seen his toes!  The nurses had been taking care of him, and I had only held him wrapped in a blanket.  I felt like a terrible mother. 

     The next day, Nathaniel was quarantined to the nursery to stay under the biliruben light.  I cried.  Despite feeling terrible for him and missing him, I realized something else--I loved him!  36 hours after he was born, I felt an overwhelming love for my baby that I could not even imagine beforehand.  I know that I loved him before I wasn't allowed to hold him (I loved my child before I even felt him kick in my tummy), but I didn't realize the strength of that love until then.

     Since then, my love for Nathaniel has only grown stronger and stronger every single day.  I'm learning to be a mommy, and he seems to approve!  I love the way that he snuggles against my neck and falls asleep; I love the way he purses his lips at me to nurse; I love the way that he relaxes when I pick him up; I love the way that I'm seeing the tiniest hints of a smile when he looks at me now.

     Sure, I've had lots of experience with babies, but this is different.  Before, I soothed babies and cuddled children, but I always knew that I wasn't the best--mommies are the best at those things.  I rocked babies, but I wasn't sure what position was each babies' favorite--only mommies know those things.  Now I know.  I know Nate's favorite way to fall asleep, and I know how to comfort him when he's upset.  When he gets upset in someone else's arms, they hand him to me, and he calms down immediately.  I love it!  Being a mommy is the most amazing, rewarding task in the world--and I'm only 6 weeks in.  I never thought that I wouldn't mind being woken up at 4 am to feed him, but I don't mind it at all.  I don't mind the poopy diapers.  When he cries because his belly hurts, it breaks my heart!  I have never been so in love before.