Mommy Guilt.

Yesterday was hard. Really hard. Why? Mommy guilt. And, a crying baby. But mostly, it was the guilt that made the day tough. I heard the "you're not a good mom" lie in my head over and over again. Why? I am a good mom, and I know it. But, motherhood is hard. What better way for the enemy to discourage us than to tell us we're not good at the one single thing that is most important to us?
Yesterday, Levi was in a "I'm never going to sleep for any period longer than 10 minutes, but then I will cry nonstop because I'm tired" kind of mood, Nate was in an "I'm two years old" kind of mood, and I was just plain tired and cranky. None of those things are particularly out of the ordinary around here, but last night was just too much for me.
We'd gone to church in the morning, and, as usual, I only half-listened to the sermon from the refuge of the nursery whilst feeding/rocking the baby because he still refuses the bottle. Mommy guilt. We arrived home to the aroma of chicken that had been roasting in the crockpot all morning. Delicious? Yes. Acceptable to a two-year-old palate? Not so much. Semi-temper tantrum. During lunch, Levi's seemingly never-ending 10 minute nap/10 minute cry cycle began. Nate went down for his nap, and I attempted to sit down for 10 minutes between cries. But, wait, the kitchen was messy, there's laundry to be done, and is that the baby awake already? So much for a day of rest....
Three hours later, Nate awoke from his nap. He was hungry. And grumpy. Temper tantrum grumpy. I was grumpy. Levi was grumpy. Eric attempted some sort of peace-keeping effort, but his effort was in vain. I yelled at the toddler--for being a toddler. Mommy guilt. We soon had two crying little ones, and a momma on the verge of tears. We stumbled through our evening, trading off on the baby who was still spending the majority of his time crying and NOT sleeping--he's still in a "momma only when I'm crabby" sort of mood! I attempted to make dinner, but couldn't find anything to eat in our [full] freezer. Instead, I pumped a bottle for the baby because all I wanted was a break from him for a few minutes. He didn't want the bottle, and I didn't save any time because I spent the entire time that he refused the bottle in the kitchen crying because what kind of mom wants a break from her precious baby? Mommy guilt. Eventually, I gave in and nursed to calm him down enough to take the bottle. Brief victory. Back to dinner prep.....while Eric attempted to put the baby to sleep. Again. And again. And again. And again.
Finally, while I ate supper with Nate (and Eric's food got cold), Levi fell asleep. And, by "fell asleep", I mean he cried himself to sleep. Mommy guilt. Again, the kitchen was a mess. Three loads of laundry, and none of them had been folded. Nate's bathtime was 10 minutes previous....and the baby was awake. Again. I want into the dark bedroom to attempt to get Levi to sleep. Real sleep this time? Please?? I was begging. Eric did Nate's entire bedtime routine. Once again, Mommy guilt.
Eventually, our house was quiet. I kissed my oldest goodnight, and they both slept. The 10 minute mark passed, and they still slept. I relaxed enough to make myself a cup of tea, and Eric and I collapsed onto the couch.
How can being a momma cause so much joy and love, but also so much guilt and anxiety?
How is it that the hardest job of my entire life is also my favorite? How can my biggest challenge be my tiny baby? It doesn't really matter because it is what it is. They will get older, and this will get easier (I know, I know, it will be harder in other ways...)! Until then, I'll be the very best momma that I can, no matter whether I have time to fold the laundry, cook dinner, or even brush my teeth! This is motherhood, and it is good--no matter what kind of day we had.

On a sidenote, today has been a much better day. Notice that I've taken the time to write this post? That's because TWO little boys took naps simultaneously! (Oh, the luxury!) And, thanks to two particular blog posts for the encouragement that I needed after yesterday! God's timing is so right.

My good baby.

"Is he a good baby?" she asked, after oohing and ahhing over his head full of hair and his bitty chubby cheeks.
"Oh, yes!" I proudly replied, cuddling him a little closer.
"Good, so he's sleeping through the night already? That's great!" It wasn't so much of a question, as an assumption. And, before I had a chance to reply, she had hurried away to chat with someone else.
He does not sleep through the night. Ever. And, I don't expect him to do so; he's not even three weeks old yet! But, for some reason, that conversation keeps replaying itself over and over in my mind. Is sleeping through the night at an abnormally young age the only stipulation for being "good" at this age? Of course not. But, I guess some people tend to forget about this age when their own babies are grown. This age is hard. Throw a toddler into the mix, and it's even harder! Not impossible, but darn close.
Nate was one of those perfectly easy babies who slept for the entire first two months of his life. He very rarely cried, and, as a new stay-at-home-mom, I was often bored in those early days. Sleep deprivation? Not a problem when I could "sleep when the baby sleeps" all. day. long. Night feedings were a breeze; he whimpered, he ate, he was asleep again.
Levi is not Nate. Levi is a somewhat colicky baby who sleeps in one hour increments all night long. During the daytime, we may or may not get a little more time. He's tired, and he wants to sleep--but is often woken up with painful gas bubbles in his belly. The gas results in lots of crying (mostly on his part, some on mine!). And, when he is asleep during the day, I have a toddler underfoot who just doesn't want to sleep every time the baby does!
I feel as though I've been walking around in a sleepy fog for days now. As much as I love newborn cuddles, I keep telling myself that this will be over soon. Levi will grow up way too quickly just like his brother. Sooner than later, our bedroom will be baby-free at night, and I'll be checking on two boys in their bedrooms before I go to sleep. A certain [sleep-deprived] part of me can't wait!
But, for now, I have an almost-three-week-old little one. And, he is sweet and adorable and good! I might be exhausted beyond belief tired, but these days are precious. I wouldn't trade either of my babies for the world, and I know that I am blessed more than I could have ever dreamed.

Bedtime Routine.

Since Nathaniel is getting older, we are starting to get him into a routine during the evenings.  He is a wonderful sleeper every night, so the routine is mostly for Mommy and Daddy to get used to having a regular night pattern!

 First, we start with a bath in the sink.  Despite the look in the picture, Nate really enjoys his baths!  I enjoy them too because they're so much easier and faster this way than the sponge baths were!

 Next, Nate gets cozy and warm in his bathrobe and bunny slippers!  Really, every baby needs such luxuries. 

 After that, it's time for jammies! 

Lastly, Nathaniel enjoys bedtime stories with Daddy before falling asleep for the night.  He's been sleeping 5 to 7 hours at night, then waking up for a feeding--and then sleeping another 3 to 4 hours.  We're quite pleased with his habits!