Yesterday, Levi was in a "I'm never going to sleep for any period longer than 10 minutes, but then I will cry nonstop because I'm tired" kind of mood, Nate was in an "I'm two years old" kind of mood, and I was just plain tired and cranky. None of those things are particularly out of the ordinary around here, but last night was just too much for me.
We'd gone to church in the morning, and, as usual, I only half-listened to the sermon from the refuge of the nursery whilst feeding/rocking the baby because he still refuses the bottle. Mommy guilt. We arrived home to the aroma of chicken that had been roasting in the crockpot all morning. Delicious? Yes. Acceptable to a two-year-old palate? Not so much. Semi-temper tantrum. During lunch, Levi's seemingly never-ending 10 minute nap/10 minute cry cycle began. Nate went down for his nap, and I attempted to sit down for 10 minutes between cries. But, wait, the kitchen was messy, there's laundry to be done, and is that the baby awake already? So much for a day of rest....
Three hours later, Nate awoke from his nap. He was hungry. And grumpy. Temper tantrum grumpy. I was grumpy. Levi was grumpy. Eric attempted some sort of peace-keeping effort, but his effort was in vain. I yelled at the toddler--for being a toddler. Mommy guilt. We soon had two crying little ones, and a momma on the verge of tears. We stumbled through our evening, trading off on the baby who was still spending the majority of his time crying and NOT sleeping--he's still in a "momma only when I'm crabby" sort of mood! I attempted to make dinner, but couldn't find anything to eat in our [full] freezer. Instead, I pumped a bottle for the baby because all I wanted was a break from him for a few minutes. He didn't want the bottle, and I didn't save any time because I spent the entire time that he refused the bottle in the kitchen crying because what kind of mom wants a break from her precious baby? Mommy guilt. Eventually, I gave in and nursed to calm him down enough to take the bottle. Brief victory. Back to dinner prep.....while Eric attempted to put the baby to sleep. Again. And again. And again. And again.
Finally, while I ate supper with Nate (and Eric's food got cold), Levi fell asleep. And, by "fell asleep", I mean he cried himself to sleep. Mommy guilt. Again, the kitchen was a mess. Three loads of laundry, and none of them had been folded. Nate's bathtime was 10 minutes previous....and the baby was awake. Again. I want into the dark bedroom to attempt to get Levi to sleep. Real sleep this time? Please?? I was begging. Eric did Nate's entire bedtime routine. Once again, Mommy guilt.
Eventually, our house was quiet. I kissed my oldest goodnight, and they both slept. The 10 minute mark passed, and they still slept. I relaxed enough to make myself a cup of tea, and Eric and I collapsed onto the couch.
How can being a momma cause so much joy and love, but also so much guilt and anxiety?
How is it that the hardest job of my entire life is also my favorite? How can my biggest challenge be my tiny baby? It doesn't really matter because it is what it is. They will get older, and this will get easier (I know, I know, it will be harder in other ways...)! Until then, I'll be the very best momma that I can, no matter whether I have time to fold the laundry, cook dinner, or even brush my teeth! This is motherhood, and it is good--no matter what kind of day we had.
On a sidenote, today has been a much better day. Notice that I've taken the time to write this post? That's because TWO little boys took naps simultaneously! (Oh, the luxury!) And, thanks to two particular blog posts for the encouragement that I needed after yesterday! God's timing is so right.
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